Today, I'm giving you two posts. I forgot a few weeks ago to write about my visit to the cemetary.
On the 2 year anniversary of Brett's death, I went to the cemetary. I never got to say goodbye to him. First, we were fighting. Then later at the funeral, I just couldn't. I felt like now it was finally time. I had to try. I thought that I would sit there for hours, crying and telling him everything I needed to say.
Turns out, I had already said everything I needed to say to him. I sat there a minute and cried. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but that it was time for me to try to move on.
I left him a bouquet of flowers. He probably would have made fun of me for that.
I can't finish this right now.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Spillin' the Beans
I've met someone. And I like him, a lot.
*sigh* This is terrible.
I'm not ready to like someone, I don't wanna.
I don't really know how to go about things. I'm trying really hard to just be myself but the past few years have broken me of that. There was always something Mac or Justin didn't like about me, something that I had to tone down or try to avoid for them.
Its not that I'm insecure or lacking confidence. I'm just not ready to get hurt again. Yes, I say it like its inevitable. That's because it likely is. My ex told me that no one will ever love me as long as I still love Brett. While I disagree with that, I can almost understand where he's coming from.
No one who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND the situation will be able to keep a relationship with me. I still love Brett, of course. I always will. He is my unfinished business. The thing is- I know its over. I know that, this time, there is no second chance. I will always hold the memories of us close to my heart. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to love another.
I disclosed the details of my relationship with Brett to my ex, because I loved him and wanted him to understand me. In return, he threw it in my face to hurt me. I wonder if I need to tell people about Brett, or if that's something I can keep to myself...
*sigh* This is terrible.
I'm not ready to like someone, I don't wanna.
I don't really know how to go about things. I'm trying really hard to just be myself but the past few years have broken me of that. There was always something Mac or Justin didn't like about me, something that I had to tone down or try to avoid for them.
Its not that I'm insecure or lacking confidence. I'm just not ready to get hurt again. Yes, I say it like its inevitable. That's because it likely is. My ex told me that no one will ever love me as long as I still love Brett. While I disagree with that, I can almost understand where he's coming from.
No one who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND the situation will be able to keep a relationship with me. I still love Brett, of course. I always will. He is my unfinished business. The thing is- I know its over. I know that, this time, there is no second chance. I will always hold the memories of us close to my heart. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to love another.
I disclosed the details of my relationship with Brett to my ex, because I loved him and wanted him to understand me. In return, he threw it in my face to hurt me. I wonder if I need to tell people about Brett, or if that's something I can keep to myself...
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Pieces
I would gladly give my heart to you. What's left of it, anyway...
See, I gave it away once and I never really got all of it back. If you can handle that, and be content with it- then it's yours. I will love you fiercely, strongly, and as intensely as my broken and battered soul will allow.
I know you think that at some point not too far from now, I will "get over" him and the loss. I won't though. Could you? Tell me, how does one go about getting over 20 years of friendship, desire, lust, love, companionship, in which he was never long out of my thoughts? I don't want that part of me back- the part that now belongs to him.
The aching tightness in my chest serves to remind me that once I was loved. I was a part of something bigger than my self. I felt the warmth of unconditional acceptance. Why would I want to get over that?
Take what I am able to offer. Know that I will be sharing everything I have. Love me for that, and in spite of what I am unable to share. Know that just because I will always love him, doesn't mean I love him MORE than I love you. I just love him differently. He WAS my best friend, he WAS my love. You are my future.
See, I gave it away once and I never really got all of it back. If you can handle that, and be content with it- then it's yours. I will love you fiercely, strongly, and as intensely as my broken and battered soul will allow.
I know you think that at some point not too far from now, I will "get over" him and the loss. I won't though. Could you? Tell me, how does one go about getting over 20 years of friendship, desire, lust, love, companionship, in which he was never long out of my thoughts? I don't want that part of me back- the part that now belongs to him.
The aching tightness in my chest serves to remind me that once I was loved. I was a part of something bigger than my self. I felt the warmth of unconditional acceptance. Why would I want to get over that?
Take what I am able to offer. Know that I will be sharing everything I have. Love me for that, and in spite of what I am unable to share. Know that just because I will always love him, doesn't mean I love him MORE than I love you. I just love him differently. He WAS my best friend, he WAS my love. You are my future.
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