I keep thinking back to that night, two months ago, when he almost admitted how he feels for the first time. He hinted around at it. He said "The way you feel... well, I'm almost there. I just need time."
I went home with him and we made love, instead of it just being sex. Afterwards, I laid in his arms and we talked about all the things we'd always held back. I came to love him in a deeper way than I had before. He seemed so unsure of himself for the first time, and I saw a side of him that he doesn't let out.
The next week we fought, then made up. Then fought, then made up. I told him I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, as opposed to not at all. He told me missed me, that he liked my nerdiness and the way his pillows smell like me after I stay the night with him, and he confessed that he likes the way I slowly scoot closer to him when we watch movies until we end up cuddling. I told him that I like how I can be myself with him, the way he hugs me and I like how he always ends up cuddling with me after we fall asleep. The conversation made me smile and laugh, and gave me hope.
I thought that all was a step forward. I thought maybe he was slowly opening up to me. But now, he rarely texts me. When he does, all he wants is sex. Today he says that he just needs to be left alone a while. My heart is aching, I'm in tears. I know a hug or a kind word from him will make it better. I also know that I won't be getting those things today.
Its funny... the only 2 men I have cared about since my divorce want nothing from me but the occasional "lay". And then there are the guys who say they like me and want to date me, and I feel nothing. Am I so inherently unlovable?
