*sigh*

I'm really rethinking the name of this blog. I should have called it Bitchfest. Because that, apparently, is all I do. It annoys me. Thank gosh I only have one person reading this... at least I'm not annoying 50 people a day. :)  

I try to be positive, I do. I look for the silver lining, the bright side of shit.  And honestly, I'm basically pretty happy with my life. I have a nice apartment (that will be even better once I finish unpacking it).  I have a job I love that I am actually really good at. I am a mom to a beautiful, smart, loving, and wonderful child... what is there to be unhappy about???  Its not my life I'm bitter and bitchy about... its the people in it.

The ex who tells me he loves me for the first time, and then tells me he thinks I'm a lying whore.  My mother who hasn't spoken to me in 8 years because I moved out and shit went down.  And the "friend" who helped me get a job and NEVER fails to remind me.  She is snarky and talks down to me, then asks me for favors.  There's the baby daddy's family... ugh, not even gonna go down that road... and to think, my daughter inherited those genes! Not to mention the guys I meet who act all nice, get to know me, and then drop off the face of the earth because... well, I don't know why.

I am constantly being used, abused, and thrown away.  I'm sick of it. I'm mad about it.  This is how I fight back, its all I have.  Deep down inside, I am just an insecure girl who wants everyone to like her. So I don't say no to the favors, and I don't tell people they are hurting me.

To all of you out there, anyone who might accidentally stumble on this... look beyond what you see, the pain isn't always evident at first glance.  Don't be careless with others.  Treat people with respect and dignity, we are all human and we all have feelings...

Sleepless nights. Clouds drift by. Replaying the scenes in my head and I cry. Too hot. Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't sleep.  I sink... falling down. Lower and lower, to the ground. I'm broken. I'm shattered. I'm nothing at all.

I know, I know.

I realise I am not a 10, I'll never be any ones arm candy. I may not be stick thin, or have a Phd. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I am beautiful... in my own way.  I'm intelligent and offbeat. I have a sense of humor that a few people appreciate. I'm honest and I'm loyal and I will not treat you badly.  I'm a good listener and a good friend. I'm a passionate lover and give all that I have to the ones I care about. I may not be the number one prize catch, but I'm still one hell of a girl.

I'd want you to know...

If I wasn't able to tell you myself, I'd want you to know that I cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, for no reason.
I'd want you to know that I love to sing and that I'm very shy around new people and that I'm terrified of birds.
I'd want you to know that I haven't spoken to my mother since shortly after my 18th birthday but I still miss her.
I would want you to know that I don't handle criticism well and sometimes I'm clumsy but I don't mean to spill or break things and I am embarrassed when I do.
And I'd want you to know that I loved a man once and he meant the world to me. I'd want you to know that I feel guilty that my last words to him were in anger.
I'd want you to know that I like love songs and big thick blankets and I hate wearing socks. I would want you to know that my stepfather abused me and I'm scared of big men because of it.
If I couldn't tell you myself, I'd want you to know that harsh words and tones make me cry and hurt my feelings and that I like to please people and if asked I'll do what you want.
If I didn't have the words to tell you, that is what I'd want you to know.

5 text lingo words/phrases that piss me off

5. "Lol" (when used improperly) in case any one is wondering, lol means laugh out loud. Its not a filler word. It doesn't mean cool or I agree. It basically means that shit is funny, I laughed out loud.

4. "Frm, wht, dn, fk". 2 mch abrvton mks sht hrd 2 rd. I am srsly ok with abbreviating. Not so much ok with you decimating the english language.

3. "W3r3". Ok, I can't come up with any others because... well, because I'm not an idiot or 16.  But th3 po1nt I'm tryin9 to make i5 that replacing leters with numbers is dumb.

2. ":-)" when used as a response. Its kinda not a response. Sometimes, yes... mostly though it just annoys people.

1. "Kewl". For the love of god, do I even need to explain this one?? Cool= four letters, easy to type, quick. Kewl= four letters, same meaning as cool ILLITERATE AS FUCK. This tells me you're stupid and I don't wanna talk to you.

Lists...

Have I ever mentioned that I love making lists?

I do it all the time, on the most random subjects.
5 reasons having sex with me is good for your health, 3 things I hate about chicken nuggets, 6 movies with endings that pissed me off, why I think you're a douche nugget, why you should never meet a person from craigslist.

Real cutting edge stuff, isn't it? Haha