Choices made can't be undone

I've made my decision. I know what I had wasn't healthy and wasn't good for myself or the kiddo... but then, why does it hurt so much? If I made the right choices, shouldn't I be happier about it? Or at least not hurting so much?
Being happy isn't about having what you want, its wanting what you have... but stupid as it is, I still kinda want what I had. My heart can't let go of the love there was. I know it takes time, and given enough of it, I will be ok.
Will I always wonder what if...? Will I regret turning away from someone who claimed to love me more than any one else ever would? Was I right that the level of abuse would have escalated? Was I wrong to deny my daughter a more stable life with a father figure who cared about her?  When will I get my head on straight and just... forget???

I don't understand.

I lie in bed at night, a million thoughts flit through my head like fireflies... Here, and then so quickly gone. Why are you the one filling up my thoughts? Its over, you're gone... never to be heard from again.  I should be grateful, relieved. Instead, I'm nostalgic and missing you.  Was it ever that great, that I should mourn and long for you this much? Or is it just my silly, sentimental heart- playing tricks on me? I knew it wasn't going to end well between us, I hoped otherwise... but I was never foolish enough to believe it would last. As I'm plagued with anoher sleepless hour, I'll try to find some peace... after all, happiness lies not in having what you want- but wanting what you have.

The Death of a Child...

I read a news article about a woman who miscarried after being pepper sprayed at an Occupy Wall Street protest.  The comments that the majority of the readers posted made me sick. 

"That's what she gets for going to a protest while pregnant."
"Well, why would a preggo chick go to a protest anyway?"
"What an idiot.  Guess she shouldn't have been there."

I am enraged.  What these people are saying is that she deserved the death of her child because she went to a protest while pregnant.  Let that sink in...

First of all, no one deserves for their child to die.  This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  A miscarriage is a very sad and tragic thing.  Its the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing that your baby is dying and you can't stop it- knowing that your baby is dying because your body failed. 

Secondly, the fact that you haven't met or held that baby yet doesn't mean that you don't love it.  That baby is still your flesh and blood.  During pregnancy, you grow close to that baby... dream of it, have hopes for it.  When that child passes away, it is still the death of one that you love. It is the loss of all the hopes and dreams, the person that was to be...  you never recover, you never forget.  As time goes on, you find yourself thinking "This year he would be 5 years old, in kindergarten..." In your heart, you celebrate those birthdays and milestones and you watch everyone else forget.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!"

There is no more agonizing feeling in the world that I know of.  May God bless you, that you all never experience that pain.  And instead of laying blame on this woman, lets try praying for her.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Working in the customer service industry, you are expected to show a certain amount of respect.  If you are intolerant of others, perhaps you should pursue another field of work.  Your customers don't deserve disrespect and disdain.  They are paying your salary.  You are there to provide a service. If eldery people annoy you, don't work in a retirement home.  If you hate children, don't get a job at a toy store.  If you think movies are a colossal waste of time, targeted to fat idiots who like candy and butter laden popcorn- DON'T WORK AT A THEATER.  Seriously, there are other options.  But treating the people that you deal with in a rude manner because you hate the joke that is your life, doesn't make anything better.  It just makes you an asshole.

Listing...

Things I hate:
1. Moths, birds, flies... aw hell, anything with wings or feathers.
2. The sound of a clock ticking... I feel like its the sound of my life s l o w l y draining away.
3. People who constantly talk about things which they need not be speaking of.  For instance- my life. Cuz its mine. And not yours. Sooo, yeah.
4. Dentists. Fuck those guys.
5. The font that I am currently typing with (in?). Whatevs. It sucks and I hate it.

Your first platitude...

Time heals all wounds.

Yes, time heals all wounds they say... and I have to admit "they" may be right.  In the heat of the moment, the midst of the devastation- it very well feels like the pain will never go away, never heal.  You feel as though you will never be who you were before because the pain has changed you.  And the simple, stark truth of the matter is that it HAS actually changed you and you WON'T ever be the same.  You will, however, heal.  It may take months or it may take years. You never know.  But one day, you will think of Grandpa Joe with a smile instead of tears.  One day, you'll be listening to the radio and that song will just be... a song. 

You may always miss the you that you were before... but you will adapt, like one adapts to the presence of a scar.



This one is for you, Brett.  I will always love you- my muse, my friend, my heart... 7/17/10

Migraines: The Silent Thief

If you've never suffered from a migraine, you may not know how devastating they can be. Maybe you think its just a headache... but you're wrong.  Migraines have slowly stolen my life from me and I'm no closer to managing the pain than I was when they started almost 3 years ago.

I've tried so many things to get rid of this pain.  I no longer eat ice cream or put ice in my drinks because anything too cold can trigger a migraine. I can't wear hats, headbands, or clips in my hair because the pressure is often a trigger.  No artificial sweeteners, no long hair, no running.  Migraines have stolen my social life because bright lights, loud noises, and smoky atmospheres cause me pain.  I've lost friends and lovers because they didn't understand why I had to cancel on them, that this isn't just a headache...  I've had to adjust my diet and my workouts so as not to cause a migraine. I can't watch 3d movies. I can't wear my contacts for more than 6 hours. I can't spend too much time in the sun.

I'm constantly taking pills, jotting in my migraine journal, shading my eyes from the sun, and always drinking water. I have doctor appointments and chiro appointments, referrals and tests. I worry that its a tumor, I worry that I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life... Every day when I fall asleep, I hope tomorrow wil be pain free.