It was what it was, and it was nothing.

Is it stupid to be heartbroken and devastated over a relationship that never really was? I spent a year and a half getting to know this man... falling in love with him... letting him into my life. We spent tons of time together, though now it seems like it was so much and hardly any and I'm not sure what it really was. I loved him. I had his baby, albeit not intentionally but nonetheless. I have never felt such an intense magnitude of emotion for... anything. Ever. He made my heart feel raw, my soul naked. He brought forth more tears than I imagined possible, more joy than I could have hoped for.

And yet, I was nothing to him and he walked away. I fell apart, a broken jagged mess. More tears came. Thoughts of suicide, dumb as it may seem. I felt worthless, ugly, unlovable. I have only ever wanted to be loved, wanted for more than my body. But it seemed to me like I am asking too much.

Now though, I wonder what exactly I was mourning. I'll tell you what I mourned... A man who got my sense of humor, and who would laugh and joke with me. I mourned the loss of the man I spent a year and a half talking to for hours a day, sharing bits of my soul with. I miss the love that I thought I felt growing and that I longed for. I mourned for the fun, the intimacy, the amazing sex, the nights spent sleeping next to each other. I mourn for the loss of the man who told me he liked how his pillows smelled like me after I'd spent the night and he liked how I'd sneak in to cuddle when we watched movies. I think I'll mourn for the loss of that man until the day I die...

But I've also been mourning the man who took me for granted, strung me along and played with my heart. I was mourning a man who told me I was nothing and never would be anything to him, a man who thought I was good enough to take to bed but not on a date. I mourned for a man who never cared about me, and hurt me many times without the least bit of concern for me.

I came to realize that as much as I missed the first man, I could live without the second man. Unfortunately they were the same person. Maybe the things he said in the good times were lies, maybe the things he says now are lies. Who knows? All I know is that I've finally let him go and it hurts... almost as bad as holding on.

Inherently Unlovable

I keep thinking back to that night, two months ago, when he almost admitted how he feels for the first time.  He hinted around at it.  He said "The way you feel... well, I'm almost there. I just need time." 

I went home with him and we made love, instead of it just being sex.  Afterwards, I laid in his arms and we talked about all the things we'd always held back.  I came to love him in a deeper way than I had before.  He seemed so unsure of himself for the first time, and I saw a side of him that he doesn't let out.

The next week we fought, then made up. Then fought, then made up.  I told him I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, as opposed to not at all.  He told me missed me, that he liked my nerdiness and the way his pillows smell like me after I stay the night with him, and he confessed that he likes the way I slowly scoot closer to him when we watch movies until we end up cuddling.  I told him that I like how I can be myself with him, the way he hugs me and I like how he always ends up cuddling with me after we fall asleep.  The conversation made me smile and laugh, and gave me hope.

I thought that all was a step forward.  I thought maybe he was slowly opening up to me.  But now, he rarely texts me. When he does, all he wants is sex.  Today he says that he just needs to be left alone a while.  My heart is aching, I'm in tears.  I know a hug or a kind word from him will make it better.  I also know that I won't be getting those things today.

Its funny... the only 2 men I have cared about since my divorce want nothing from me but the occasional "lay".  And then there are the guys who say they like me and want to date me, and I feel nothing.  Am I so inherently unlovable? 

Why!?

I'm angry. I'm so god damn angry right now! Its not fair that I lost my best friend, the one person I could tell everything to. The one person that never failed to make me feel better. He promised me he would always be here for me. But he's not. I need him now. I'm feeling so down and ridiculously insecure and I just need my best friend to tell me that everything is going to be fine and that I am good enough. I just need someone to care...

I never was good at tests...

Oh Lord, here we go.

Men typically accuse women of playing mind games, and screwing with their emotions. Yeah, I suppose some women probably do. But guys, you all are just as damn guilty.

I don't play games. Subtlety is not, nor has it ever been my strong point. I say what I feel, I'm not afraid to go for what I want, and I see absolutely no point in wasting my time or yours with pointless games.

I wonder why we can't all be the same way. If you like me, tell me and if you don't... well, then why string me along? I swear men will give a girl just enough attention to get her into bed with them and they will keep it up until they meet the next best thing. Why? Why waste her time and yours?

I'm not so desperate for love that I'll allow that. Once I realize that's what is going on, I'm outta there. But still, it hurts. Getting to know someone, spending time with them, laughing, having fun- only to find out that really, they were just keeping you on the back burner because you're good enough for now.

You wanna test my patience? Keep up the "maybe I do, maybe I don't" game. Make me wonder what you're doing when you aren't with me. Make me wonder if you're meeting other people, and if you really like me or not. Make me wait a week, a week and a half to see you. But honey, when my patience runs out and I leave- just remember don't hate the player, hate the game.

A Visit

Today, I'm giving you two posts. I forgot a few weeks ago to write about my visit to the cemetary.

On the 2 year anniversary of Brett's death, I went to the cemetary. I never got to say goodbye to him. First, we were fighting. Then later at the funeral, I just couldn't. I felt like now it was finally time. I had to try. I thought that I would sit there for hours, crying and telling him everything I needed to say.

Turns out, I had already said everything I needed to say to him.  I sat there a minute and cried. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but that it was time for me to try to move on.

I left him a bouquet of flowers. He probably would have made fun of me for that.

I can't finish this right now.

Spillin' the Beans

I've met someone. And I like him, a lot.
*sigh* This is terrible.

I'm not ready to like someone, I don't wanna.

I don't really know how to go about things. I'm trying really hard to just be myself but the past few years have broken me of that. There was always something Mac or Justin didn't like about me, something that I had to tone down or try to avoid for them.

Its not that I'm insecure or lacking confidence. I'm just not ready to get hurt again. Yes, I say it like its inevitable. That's because it likely is. My ex told me that no one will ever love me as long as I still love Brett. While I disagree with that, I can almost understand where he's coming from.

No one who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND the situation will be able to keep a relationship with me. I still love Brett, of course. I always will. He is my unfinished business.  The thing is- I know its over. I know that, this time, there is no second chance. I will always hold the memories of us close to my heart. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to love another.

I disclosed the details of my relationship with Brett to my ex, because I loved him and wanted him to understand me. In return, he threw it in my face to hurt me. I wonder if I need to tell people about Brett, or if that's something I can keep to myself...

Pieces

I would gladly give my heart to you. What's left of it, anyway...

See, I gave it away once and I never really got all of it back. If you can handle that, and be content with it- then it's yours. I will love you fiercely, strongly, and as intensely as my broken and battered soul will allow.

I know you think that at some point not too far from now, I will "get over" him and the loss. I won't though. Could you? Tell me, how does one go about getting over 20 years of friendship, desire, lust, love, companionship, in which he was never long out of my thoughts? I don't want that part of me back- the part that now belongs to him. 

The aching tightness in my chest serves to remind me that once I was loved. I was a part of something bigger than my self. I felt the warmth of unconditional acceptance. Why would I want to get over that?

Take what I am able to offer. Know that I will be sharing everything I have. Love me for that, and in spite of what I am unable to share. Know that just because I will always love him, doesn't mean I love him MORE than I love you. I just love him differently. He WAS my best friend, he WAS my love. You are my future.

Vacation?

Next week I have four days off work. In a row! Hot dog!

I keep telling myself I should take a vacation- go somewhere fun! I need to relax and wind down.
I will, however, most likely end up "vacationing" in the pool in my ex's back yard. And I'm cool with that.

At this point, 8 hours of alone time would equate to a 5 star vacation.

Regardless of what I do with it, 4 days off will be heavenly. I think I'll actually use my gym membership. Maybe bake some smore cookies like the kiddo has been wanting to. If I'm really lucky and motivated, hopefully I can even get some sewing in!

Wish me luck, sunshine, and quiet time! ;)

The Downside of Love

Some people think love is all roses and rainbows. Some of us know better. I think we all long for a "perfect" love. But truly, is there such a thing? Isn't there always going to be a downside? Nothing is perfect, I'm told.

In love, we have to take the good with the bad. To extent, anyhow. Of course I'm not telling you to accept abuse or anything like that.

I'm simply advising you that when you are ready to throw in the towel because he leaves his socks laying around or because you don't like doing all the same things or because you fight- just remember the good parts too.

Nothing is perfect. Not you, certainly not me. We shouldn't love each other in spite of the bad. We should love each other, as a whole. Every irritating flaw, every goofy crooked smile.

I'll take an imperfect love every time.

My Pain is My Own.

Why can't I let it go? Why can't I share it, talk about it?

Talking will not ease this burden of pain. Talking will not soothe my wounded soul.

I cannot let go of the pain. I don't know how... not without letting go of the memories first. And that is a step I'm unable to take. I try to remember the good, but after a loss- even the good is tinged with pain. I know that every good memory is in the past and I will never again make a good memory with my best friend. That hurts me deeply. 

Pain isn't something you get past. Its something you go through. I'm still going through it. I don't know how long it will take me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to think of him or talk about him without that pain creeping up on me.

I hope that someday I am able to, at the very least, cover up the pain I feel.  I've locked it up so tight, I can only hope that I keep those memories locked in their treasure chest in the darkest recesses of my soul... My pain is my own.  It always will be.

The beginning of the end...

I wasn't alway like this... bitter, cynical, angry.  I wasn't always sad and hopeless. 

Once, I thought the world held endless possibilities.  I had faith, I had dreams... I thought that good and bad balanced out. I thought that God would never give us more than we can handle, as the quote goes. I had never truly grieved before, and thus I believed that it wasn't as bad as the movies made it seem.  Then I was proven wrong on all points.

Today, I will begin a story. Its a story of love, and loss, and sadly, there is no happy ending.

Surprises suck!

Have I ever mentioned that I hate surprises? LOATHE them, even?  Well, I do! 

Surprises don't make me happy.  I don't giggle and say "oh, how sweet/thoughtful/wonderful."

I get mad. 

Surprises suck.  Say for instance, someone decides to drop by for a SURPRISE visit.  Oh, yay cool.  Hold on a sec while I cancel all the plans I had for the next... um, how long are you gonna be here?  Yeah.  So now, not only do I have to cancel any plans I was actually lucky enough to have but I also am obligated to spend time with and entertain you.

Maybe there were things I'd rather be doing, other people I'd like to be spending time with.

Surprises are selfish and I hate them.  Suck it.

Insensitive?

Watch "Jann Arden - Insensitive" on YouTube

Sometimes, there are signs before a break up. Sometimes, there aren't. And sometimes...

I bet you get a good workout jumping to conclusions.

Children do childish things.  They put their favorite toys and blanky into a back pack and say they are going to run away.  They make up imaginary friends, because they are lonely or just for fun.  The things an imaginative 4 year old child says should be taken with a grain of salt. 

Today, I'm under fire because my daughter started packing up her toys and told her grandparents that she is moving where Ashley lives and that Ashley has 2 kids.  Of course, her grandparents automatically jumped to the conclusion that I'm moving.  I don't know anyone named Ashley that has any kids.  Also, Rory has had this imaginary friend named Ashley for over a year now. 

Time and again, I have to break my neck to assure my ex's family that I'm not going to tear Rory away from them.  I'm tired of it.  Why should I have to keep sacrificing my happiness for them?  My ex sure the hell wasn't willing to sacrifice anything for me or his daughter.  He damn near went to prison for a really long time.  Why shouldn't I be able to follow my dreams and opportunities that come my way?  I could have a better, more successful life and Bug could grow up somewhere NOT surrounded by potheads and alcoholics.

Everything I do, is for my daughter.  I've sacrificed my family, my friends, and a man I loved very much (who loved us both) to keep my daughter close to her dad.  And for all that sacrifice, he spends roughly 8-12 hours with her a week.  By choice. A father isn't whose DNA you share, its who is there and who cares.

From him...

hey there lil one...where have you gone....do you still even read the words i right...if not its ok you have the right to run....200 miles away really cant be too fun....if you were closer...or i was ...we would find out if there is love.....we would find out wouldn't we....if this is all the we ...that we can be..... so goodnight i say to you....i will see you in my sleep....so good night i will pray for you.....that you will wake up safe and happy......

Choices made can't be undone

I've made my decision. I know what I had wasn't healthy and wasn't good for myself or the kiddo... but then, why does it hurt so much? If I made the right choices, shouldn't I be happier about it? Or at least not hurting so much?
Being happy isn't about having what you want, its wanting what you have... but stupid as it is, I still kinda want what I had. My heart can't let go of the love there was. I know it takes time, and given enough of it, I will be ok.
Will I always wonder what if...? Will I regret turning away from someone who claimed to love me more than any one else ever would? Was I right that the level of abuse would have escalated? Was I wrong to deny my daughter a more stable life with a father figure who cared about her?  When will I get my head on straight and just... forget???

I don't understand.

I lie in bed at night, a million thoughts flit through my head like fireflies... Here, and then so quickly gone. Why are you the one filling up my thoughts? Its over, you're gone... never to be heard from again.  I should be grateful, relieved. Instead, I'm nostalgic and missing you.  Was it ever that great, that I should mourn and long for you this much? Or is it just my silly, sentimental heart- playing tricks on me? I knew it wasn't going to end well between us, I hoped otherwise... but I was never foolish enough to believe it would last. As I'm plagued with anoher sleepless hour, I'll try to find some peace... after all, happiness lies not in having what you want- but wanting what you have.

The Death of a Child...

I read a news article about a woman who miscarried after being pepper sprayed at an Occupy Wall Street protest.  The comments that the majority of the readers posted made me sick. 

"That's what she gets for going to a protest while pregnant."
"Well, why would a preggo chick go to a protest anyway?"
"What an idiot.  Guess she shouldn't have been there."

I am enraged.  What these people are saying is that she deserved the death of her child because she went to a protest while pregnant.  Let that sink in...

First of all, no one deserves for their child to die.  This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  A miscarriage is a very sad and tragic thing.  Its the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing that your baby is dying and you can't stop it- knowing that your baby is dying because your body failed. 

Secondly, the fact that you haven't met or held that baby yet doesn't mean that you don't love it.  That baby is still your flesh and blood.  During pregnancy, you grow close to that baby... dream of it, have hopes for it.  When that child passes away, it is still the death of one that you love. It is the loss of all the hopes and dreams, the person that was to be...  you never recover, you never forget.  As time goes on, you find yourself thinking "This year he would be 5 years old, in kindergarten..." In your heart, you celebrate those birthdays and milestones and you watch everyone else forget.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!"

There is no more agonizing feeling in the world that I know of.  May God bless you, that you all never experience that pain.  And instead of laying blame on this woman, lets try praying for her.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Working in the customer service industry, you are expected to show a certain amount of respect.  If you are intolerant of others, perhaps you should pursue another field of work.  Your customers don't deserve disrespect and disdain.  They are paying your salary.  You are there to provide a service. If eldery people annoy you, don't work in a retirement home.  If you hate children, don't get a job at a toy store.  If you think movies are a colossal waste of time, targeted to fat idiots who like candy and butter laden popcorn- DON'T WORK AT A THEATER.  Seriously, there are other options.  But treating the people that you deal with in a rude manner because you hate the joke that is your life, doesn't make anything better.  It just makes you an asshole.

Listing...

Things I hate:
1. Moths, birds, flies... aw hell, anything with wings or feathers.
2. The sound of a clock ticking... I feel like its the sound of my life s l o w l y draining away.
3. People who constantly talk about things which they need not be speaking of.  For instance- my life. Cuz its mine. And not yours. Sooo, yeah.
4. Dentists. Fuck those guys.
5. The font that I am currently typing with (in?). Whatevs. It sucks and I hate it.