A Visit

Today, I'm giving you two posts. I forgot a few weeks ago to write about my visit to the cemetary.

On the 2 year anniversary of Brett's death, I went to the cemetary. I never got to say goodbye to him. First, we were fighting. Then later at the funeral, I just couldn't. I felt like now it was finally time. I had to try. I thought that I would sit there for hours, crying and telling him everything I needed to say.

Turns out, I had already said everything I needed to say to him.  I sat there a minute and cried. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but that it was time for me to try to move on.

I left him a bouquet of flowers. He probably would have made fun of me for that.

I can't finish this right now.

Spillin' the Beans

I've met someone. And I like him, a lot.
*sigh* This is terrible.

I'm not ready to like someone, I don't wanna.

I don't really know how to go about things. I'm trying really hard to just be myself but the past few years have broken me of that. There was always something Mac or Justin didn't like about me, something that I had to tone down or try to avoid for them.

Its not that I'm insecure or lacking confidence. I'm just not ready to get hurt again. Yes, I say it like its inevitable. That's because it likely is. My ex told me that no one will ever love me as long as I still love Brett. While I disagree with that, I can almost understand where he's coming from.

No one who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND the situation will be able to keep a relationship with me. I still love Brett, of course. I always will. He is my unfinished business.  The thing is- I know its over. I know that, this time, there is no second chance. I will always hold the memories of us close to my heart. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to love another.

I disclosed the details of my relationship with Brett to my ex, because I loved him and wanted him to understand me. In return, he threw it in my face to hurt me. I wonder if I need to tell people about Brett, or if that's something I can keep to myself...

Pieces

I would gladly give my heart to you. What's left of it, anyway...

See, I gave it away once and I never really got all of it back. If you can handle that, and be content with it- then it's yours. I will love you fiercely, strongly, and as intensely as my broken and battered soul will allow.

I know you think that at some point not too far from now, I will "get over" him and the loss. I won't though. Could you? Tell me, how does one go about getting over 20 years of friendship, desire, lust, love, companionship, in which he was never long out of my thoughts? I don't want that part of me back- the part that now belongs to him. 

The aching tightness in my chest serves to remind me that once I was loved. I was a part of something bigger than my self. I felt the warmth of unconditional acceptance. Why would I want to get over that?

Take what I am able to offer. Know that I will be sharing everything I have. Love me for that, and in spite of what I am unable to share. Know that just because I will always love him, doesn't mean I love him MORE than I love you. I just love him differently. He WAS my best friend, he WAS my love. You are my future.

Vacation?

Next week I have four days off work. In a row! Hot dog!

I keep telling myself I should take a vacation- go somewhere fun! I need to relax and wind down.
I will, however, most likely end up "vacationing" in the pool in my ex's back yard. And I'm cool with that.

At this point, 8 hours of alone time would equate to a 5 star vacation.

Regardless of what I do with it, 4 days off will be heavenly. I think I'll actually use my gym membership. Maybe bake some smore cookies like the kiddo has been wanting to. If I'm really lucky and motivated, hopefully I can even get some sewing in!

Wish me luck, sunshine, and quiet time! ;)

The Downside of Love

Some people think love is all roses and rainbows. Some of us know better. I think we all long for a "perfect" love. But truly, is there such a thing? Isn't there always going to be a downside? Nothing is perfect, I'm told.

In love, we have to take the good with the bad. To extent, anyhow. Of course I'm not telling you to accept abuse or anything like that.

I'm simply advising you that when you are ready to throw in the towel because he leaves his socks laying around or because you don't like doing all the same things or because you fight- just remember the good parts too.

Nothing is perfect. Not you, certainly not me. We shouldn't love each other in spite of the bad. We should love each other, as a whole. Every irritating flaw, every goofy crooked smile.

I'll take an imperfect love every time.

My Pain is My Own.

Why can't I let it go? Why can't I share it, talk about it?

Talking will not ease this burden of pain. Talking will not soothe my wounded soul.

I cannot let go of the pain. I don't know how... not without letting go of the memories first. And that is a step I'm unable to take. I try to remember the good, but after a loss- even the good is tinged with pain. I know that every good memory is in the past and I will never again make a good memory with my best friend. That hurts me deeply. 

Pain isn't something you get past. Its something you go through. I'm still going through it. I don't know how long it will take me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to think of him or talk about him without that pain creeping up on me.

I hope that someday I am able to, at the very least, cover up the pain I feel.  I've locked it up so tight, I can only hope that I keep those memories locked in their treasure chest in the darkest recesses of my soul... My pain is my own.  It always will be.

The beginning of the end...

I wasn't alway like this... bitter, cynical, angry.  I wasn't always sad and hopeless. 

Once, I thought the world held endless possibilities.  I had faith, I had dreams... I thought that good and bad balanced out. I thought that God would never give us more than we can handle, as the quote goes. I had never truly grieved before, and thus I believed that it wasn't as bad as the movies made it seem.  Then I was proven wrong on all points.

Today, I will begin a story. Its a story of love, and loss, and sadly, there is no happy ending.