Surprises suck!

Have I ever mentioned that I hate surprises? LOATHE them, even?  Well, I do! 

Surprises don't make me happy.  I don't giggle and say "oh, how sweet/thoughtful/wonderful."

I get mad. 

Surprises suck.  Say for instance, someone decides to drop by for a SURPRISE visit.  Oh, yay cool.  Hold on a sec while I cancel all the plans I had for the next... um, how long are you gonna be here?  Yeah.  So now, not only do I have to cancel any plans I was actually lucky enough to have but I also am obligated to spend time with and entertain you.

Maybe there were things I'd rather be doing, other people I'd like to be spending time with.

Surprises are selfish and I hate them.  Suck it.

Insensitive?

Watch "Jann Arden - Insensitive" on YouTube

Sometimes, there are signs before a break up. Sometimes, there aren't. And sometimes...

I bet you get a good workout jumping to conclusions.

Children do childish things.  They put their favorite toys and blanky into a back pack and say they are going to run away.  They make up imaginary friends, because they are lonely or just for fun.  The things an imaginative 4 year old child says should be taken with a grain of salt. 

Today, I'm under fire because my daughter started packing up her toys and told her grandparents that she is moving where Ashley lives and that Ashley has 2 kids.  Of course, her grandparents automatically jumped to the conclusion that I'm moving.  I don't know anyone named Ashley that has any kids.  Also, Rory has had this imaginary friend named Ashley for over a year now. 

Time and again, I have to break my neck to assure my ex's family that I'm not going to tear Rory away from them.  I'm tired of it.  Why should I have to keep sacrificing my happiness for them?  My ex sure the hell wasn't willing to sacrifice anything for me or his daughter.  He damn near went to prison for a really long time.  Why shouldn't I be able to follow my dreams and opportunities that come my way?  I could have a better, more successful life and Bug could grow up somewhere NOT surrounded by potheads and alcoholics.

Everything I do, is for my daughter.  I've sacrificed my family, my friends, and a man I loved very much (who loved us both) to keep my daughter close to her dad.  And for all that sacrifice, he spends roughly 8-12 hours with her a week.  By choice. A father isn't whose DNA you share, its who is there and who cares.

From him...

hey there lil one...where have you gone....do you still even read the words i right...if not its ok you have the right to run....200 miles away really cant be too fun....if you were closer...or i was ...we would find out if there is love.....we would find out wouldn't we....if this is all the we ...that we can be..... so goodnight i say to you....i will see you in my sleep....so good night i will pray for you.....that you will wake up safe and happy......

Choices made can't be undone

I've made my decision. I know what I had wasn't healthy and wasn't good for myself or the kiddo... but then, why does it hurt so much? If I made the right choices, shouldn't I be happier about it? Or at least not hurting so much?
Being happy isn't about having what you want, its wanting what you have... but stupid as it is, I still kinda want what I had. My heart can't let go of the love there was. I know it takes time, and given enough of it, I will be ok.
Will I always wonder what if...? Will I regret turning away from someone who claimed to love me more than any one else ever would? Was I right that the level of abuse would have escalated? Was I wrong to deny my daughter a more stable life with a father figure who cared about her?  When will I get my head on straight and just... forget???

I don't understand.

I lie in bed at night, a million thoughts flit through my head like fireflies... Here, and then so quickly gone. Why are you the one filling up my thoughts? Its over, you're gone... never to be heard from again.  I should be grateful, relieved. Instead, I'm nostalgic and missing you.  Was it ever that great, that I should mourn and long for you this much? Or is it just my silly, sentimental heart- playing tricks on me? I knew it wasn't going to end well between us, I hoped otherwise... but I was never foolish enough to believe it would last. As I'm plagued with anoher sleepless hour, I'll try to find some peace... after all, happiness lies not in having what you want- but wanting what you have.

The Death of a Child...

I read a news article about a woman who miscarried after being pepper sprayed at an Occupy Wall Street protest.  The comments that the majority of the readers posted made me sick. 

"That's what she gets for going to a protest while pregnant."
"Well, why would a preggo chick go to a protest anyway?"
"What an idiot.  Guess she shouldn't have been there."

I am enraged.  What these people are saying is that she deserved the death of her child because she went to a protest while pregnant.  Let that sink in...

First of all, no one deserves for their child to die.  This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  A miscarriage is a very sad and tragic thing.  Its the most helpless feeling in the world, knowing that your baby is dying and you can't stop it- knowing that your baby is dying because your body failed. 

Secondly, the fact that you haven't met or held that baby yet doesn't mean that you don't love it.  That baby is still your flesh and blood.  During pregnancy, you grow close to that baby... dream of it, have hopes for it.  When that child passes away, it is still the death of one that you love. It is the loss of all the hopes and dreams, the person that was to be...  you never recover, you never forget.  As time goes on, you find yourself thinking "This year he would be 5 years old, in kindergarten..." In your heart, you celebrate those birthdays and milestones and you watch everyone else forget.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!"

There is no more agonizing feeling in the world that I know of.  May God bless you, that you all never experience that pain.  And instead of laying blame on this woman, lets try praying for her.