The Downside of Love

Some people think love is all roses and rainbows. Some of us know better. I think we all long for a "perfect" love. But truly, is there such a thing? Isn't there always going to be a downside? Nothing is perfect, I'm told.

In love, we have to take the good with the bad. To extent, anyhow. Of course I'm not telling you to accept abuse or anything like that.

I'm simply advising you that when you are ready to throw in the towel because he leaves his socks laying around or because you don't like doing all the same things or because you fight- just remember the good parts too.

Nothing is perfect. Not you, certainly not me. We shouldn't love each other in spite of the bad. We should love each other, as a whole. Every irritating flaw, every goofy crooked smile.

I'll take an imperfect love every time.

My Pain is My Own.

Why can't I let it go? Why can't I share it, talk about it?

Talking will not ease this burden of pain. Talking will not soothe my wounded soul.

I cannot let go of the pain. I don't know how... not without letting go of the memories first. And that is a step I'm unable to take. I try to remember the good, but after a loss- even the good is tinged with pain. I know that every good memory is in the past and I will never again make a good memory with my best friend. That hurts me deeply. 

Pain isn't something you get past. Its something you go through. I'm still going through it. I don't know how long it will take me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to think of him or talk about him without that pain creeping up on me.

I hope that someday I am able to, at the very least, cover up the pain I feel.  I've locked it up so tight, I can only hope that I keep those memories locked in their treasure chest in the darkest recesses of my soul... My pain is my own.  It always will be.

The beginning of the end...

I wasn't alway like this... bitter, cynical, angry.  I wasn't always sad and hopeless. 

Once, I thought the world held endless possibilities.  I had faith, I had dreams... I thought that good and bad balanced out. I thought that God would never give us more than we can handle, as the quote goes. I had never truly grieved before, and thus I believed that it wasn't as bad as the movies made it seem.  Then I was proven wrong on all points.

Today, I will begin a story. Its a story of love, and loss, and sadly, there is no happy ending.

Surprises suck!

Have I ever mentioned that I hate surprises? LOATHE them, even?  Well, I do! 

Surprises don't make me happy.  I don't giggle and say "oh, how sweet/thoughtful/wonderful."

I get mad. 

Surprises suck.  Say for instance, someone decides to drop by for a SURPRISE visit.  Oh, yay cool.  Hold on a sec while I cancel all the plans I had for the next... um, how long are you gonna be here?  Yeah.  So now, not only do I have to cancel any plans I was actually lucky enough to have but I also am obligated to spend time with and entertain you.

Maybe there were things I'd rather be doing, other people I'd like to be spending time with.

Surprises are selfish and I hate them.  Suck it.

Insensitive?

Watch "Jann Arden - Insensitive" on YouTube

Sometimes, there are signs before a break up. Sometimes, there aren't. And sometimes...

I bet you get a good workout jumping to conclusions.

Children do childish things.  They put their favorite toys and blanky into a back pack and say they are going to run away.  They make up imaginary friends, because they are lonely or just for fun.  The things an imaginative 4 year old child says should be taken with a grain of salt. 

Today, I'm under fire because my daughter started packing up her toys and told her grandparents that she is moving where Ashley lives and that Ashley has 2 kids.  Of course, her grandparents automatically jumped to the conclusion that I'm moving.  I don't know anyone named Ashley that has any kids.  Also, Rory has had this imaginary friend named Ashley for over a year now. 

Time and again, I have to break my neck to assure my ex's family that I'm not going to tear Rory away from them.  I'm tired of it.  Why should I have to keep sacrificing my happiness for them?  My ex sure the hell wasn't willing to sacrifice anything for me or his daughter.  He damn near went to prison for a really long time.  Why shouldn't I be able to follow my dreams and opportunities that come my way?  I could have a better, more successful life and Bug could grow up somewhere NOT surrounded by potheads and alcoholics.

Everything I do, is for my daughter.  I've sacrificed my family, my friends, and a man I loved very much (who loved us both) to keep my daughter close to her dad.  And for all that sacrifice, he spends roughly 8-12 hours with her a week.  By choice. A father isn't whose DNA you share, its who is there and who cares.

From him...

hey there lil one...where have you gone....do you still even read the words i right...if not its ok you have the right to run....200 miles away really cant be too fun....if you were closer...or i was ...we would find out if there is love.....we would find out wouldn't we....if this is all the we ...that we can be..... so goodnight i say to you....i will see you in my sleep....so good night i will pray for you.....that you will wake up safe and happy......