It was what it was, and it was nothing.

Is it stupid to be heartbroken and devastated over a relationship that never really was? I spent a year and a half getting to know this man... falling in love with him... letting him into my life. We spent tons of time together, though now it seems like it was so much and hardly any and I'm not sure what it really was. I loved him. I had his baby, albeit not intentionally but nonetheless. I have never felt such an intense magnitude of emotion for... anything. Ever. He made my heart feel raw, my soul naked. He brought forth more tears than I imagined possible, more joy than I could have hoped for.

And yet, I was nothing to him and he walked away. I fell apart, a broken jagged mess. More tears came. Thoughts of suicide, dumb as it may seem. I felt worthless, ugly, unlovable. I have only ever wanted to be loved, wanted for more than my body. But it seemed to me like I am asking too much.

Now though, I wonder what exactly I was mourning. I'll tell you what I mourned... A man who got my sense of humor, and who would laugh and joke with me. I mourned the loss of the man I spent a year and a half talking to for hours a day, sharing bits of my soul with. I miss the love that I thought I felt growing and that I longed for. I mourned for the fun, the intimacy, the amazing sex, the nights spent sleeping next to each other. I mourn for the loss of the man who told me he liked how his pillows smelled like me after I'd spent the night and he liked how I'd sneak in to cuddle when we watched movies. I think I'll mourn for the loss of that man until the day I die...

But I've also been mourning the man who took me for granted, strung me along and played with my heart. I was mourning a man who told me I was nothing and never would be anything to him, a man who thought I was good enough to take to bed but not on a date. I mourned for a man who never cared about me, and hurt me many times without the least bit of concern for me.

I came to realize that as much as I missed the first man, I could live without the second man. Unfortunately they were the same person. Maybe the things he said in the good times were lies, maybe the things he says now are lies. Who knows? All I know is that I've finally let him go and it hurts... almost as bad as holding on.

Inherently Unlovable

I keep thinking back to that night, two months ago, when he almost admitted how he feels for the first time.  He hinted around at it.  He said "The way you feel... well, I'm almost there. I just need time." 

I went home with him and we made love, instead of it just being sex.  Afterwards, I laid in his arms and we talked about all the things we'd always held back.  I came to love him in a deeper way than I had before.  He seemed so unsure of himself for the first time, and I saw a side of him that he doesn't let out.

The next week we fought, then made up. Then fought, then made up.  I told him I'd rather have him in my life as a friend, as opposed to not at all.  He told me missed me, that he liked my nerdiness and the way his pillows smell like me after I stay the night with him, and he confessed that he likes the way I slowly scoot closer to him when we watch movies until we end up cuddling.  I told him that I like how I can be myself with him, the way he hugs me and I like how he always ends up cuddling with me after we fall asleep.  The conversation made me smile and laugh, and gave me hope.

I thought that all was a step forward.  I thought maybe he was slowly opening up to me.  But now, he rarely texts me. When he does, all he wants is sex.  Today he says that he just needs to be left alone a while.  My heart is aching, I'm in tears.  I know a hug or a kind word from him will make it better.  I also know that I won't be getting those things today.

Its funny... the only 2 men I have cared about since my divorce want nothing from me but the occasional "lay".  And then there are the guys who say they like me and want to date me, and I feel nothing.  Am I so inherently unlovable? 

Why!?

I'm angry. I'm so god damn angry right now! Its not fair that I lost my best friend, the one person I could tell everything to. The one person that never failed to make me feel better. He promised me he would always be here for me. But he's not. I need him now. I'm feeling so down and ridiculously insecure and I just need my best friend to tell me that everything is going to be fine and that I am good enough. I just need someone to care...

I never was good at tests...

Oh Lord, here we go.

Men typically accuse women of playing mind games, and screwing with their emotions. Yeah, I suppose some women probably do. But guys, you all are just as damn guilty.

I don't play games. Subtlety is not, nor has it ever been my strong point. I say what I feel, I'm not afraid to go for what I want, and I see absolutely no point in wasting my time or yours with pointless games.

I wonder why we can't all be the same way. If you like me, tell me and if you don't... well, then why string me along? I swear men will give a girl just enough attention to get her into bed with them and they will keep it up until they meet the next best thing. Why? Why waste her time and yours?

I'm not so desperate for love that I'll allow that. Once I realize that's what is going on, I'm outta there. But still, it hurts. Getting to know someone, spending time with them, laughing, having fun- only to find out that really, they were just keeping you on the back burner because you're good enough for now.

You wanna test my patience? Keep up the "maybe I do, maybe I don't" game. Make me wonder what you're doing when you aren't with me. Make me wonder if you're meeting other people, and if you really like me or not. Make me wait a week, a week and a half to see you. But honey, when my patience runs out and I leave- just remember don't hate the player, hate the game.

A Visit

Today, I'm giving you two posts. I forgot a few weeks ago to write about my visit to the cemetary.

On the 2 year anniversary of Brett's death, I went to the cemetary. I never got to say goodbye to him. First, we were fighting. Then later at the funeral, I just couldn't. I felt like now it was finally time. I had to try. I thought that I would sit there for hours, crying and telling him everything I needed to say.

Turns out, I had already said everything I needed to say to him.  I sat there a minute and cried. I told him I was sorry and that I loved him, but that it was time for me to try to move on.

I left him a bouquet of flowers. He probably would have made fun of me for that.

I can't finish this right now.

Spillin' the Beans

I've met someone. And I like him, a lot.
*sigh* This is terrible.

I'm not ready to like someone, I don't wanna.

I don't really know how to go about things. I'm trying really hard to just be myself but the past few years have broken me of that. There was always something Mac or Justin didn't like about me, something that I had to tone down or try to avoid for them.

Its not that I'm insecure or lacking confidence. I'm just not ready to get hurt again. Yes, I say it like its inevitable. That's because it likely is. My ex told me that no one will ever love me as long as I still love Brett. While I disagree with that, I can almost understand where he's coming from.

No one who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND the situation will be able to keep a relationship with me. I still love Brett, of course. I always will. He is my unfinished business.  The thing is- I know its over. I know that, this time, there is no second chance. I will always hold the memories of us close to my heart. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable or willing to love another.

I disclosed the details of my relationship with Brett to my ex, because I loved him and wanted him to understand me. In return, he threw it in my face to hurt me. I wonder if I need to tell people about Brett, or if that's something I can keep to myself...

Pieces

I would gladly give my heart to you. What's left of it, anyway...

See, I gave it away once and I never really got all of it back. If you can handle that, and be content with it- then it's yours. I will love you fiercely, strongly, and as intensely as my broken and battered soul will allow.

I know you think that at some point not too far from now, I will "get over" him and the loss. I won't though. Could you? Tell me, how does one go about getting over 20 years of friendship, desire, lust, love, companionship, in which he was never long out of my thoughts? I don't want that part of me back- the part that now belongs to him. 

The aching tightness in my chest serves to remind me that once I was loved. I was a part of something bigger than my self. I felt the warmth of unconditional acceptance. Why would I want to get over that?

Take what I am able to offer. Know that I will be sharing everything I have. Love me for that, and in spite of what I am unable to share. Know that just because I will always love him, doesn't mean I love him MORE than I love you. I just love him differently. He WAS my best friend, he WAS my love. You are my future.